10 Signs You Were Never Really In Love

Welcome or welcome back to The Weekly Oracle.

Today, we’re talking about 10 Signs You’re Not Really In Love because realizing you were never actually in love isn’t as depressing as it sounds.

In fact, for most people, it’s a massive “lightbulb” moment that brings a weird sense of peace because it explains why things felt so hard, why the “spark” felt like a short circuit, and why you never quite felt at home with that person.

If you’re looking back at a past relationship (or questioning your current one), here are 10 signs you’re not, or weren’t, really in love with this person:

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1. You fell for the “Resume,” not the Person

On paper, they were perfect. Right job, right look, right hobbies. But if you’re being honest with yourself, you were in love with their potential or their image.

If you spent more time telling people about them than actually enjoying your time with them, you were likely in love with the idea of having a person, not the actual person.

2. You were “Performing” 24/7

In true love, you can wear your rattiest pajamas and talk about your weirdest fears. If you felt like you had to be the “best version” of yourself every second, you weren’t in a relationship. You were in a long-term situationship.

3. Silence felt awkward, not peaceful

You know that comfortable silence where you’re both just scrolling on your phones or watching TV or reading, and it feels like a warm hug? If your silences felt heavy, anxious, or like you had to find something to talk about all the time just to keep the “vibe” alive, the connection was most likely surface-level.

4. You were a “Scorekeeper”

“I texted first yesterday, so it’s their turn today.” Or, “I paid for dinner, so they owe me the movie tickets.” Real love is a flow, not a ledger. If you were constantly tracking who was doing more, it was a transaction, not a bond.

5. You missed the “High,” not the Person

When it ended, did you miss their specific laugh and the way they made breakfast? Or did you just miss having someone to text, someone to go to dinner with, and the hit of dopamine from a “Good morning” text? Missing a routine is very different than missing a soul.

6. You felt “Lonely” while sitting right next to them

This is the big one. True love is a bridge; it connects you. If you could be physically touching them but still feel like there was a glass wall between your hearts, that’s a sign the emotional intimacy never actually took root.

7. You focused on “Winning” arguments

In love, the goal is to protect the relationship. In infatuation or ego-based relationships, the goal is to be right. If your fights were about crushing the other person’s point rather than finding a solution together, the romantic relationship didn’t really exist.

8. Their success felt like a threat

If they got a promotion or a compliment and your first instinct was a tiny pang of jealousy instead of pure “F yeah!” energy, you weren’t fully on their team. Love is the ultimate partnership; their win is your win.

9. You were waiting for them to “Fix” you

If you jumped into the relationship because you were bored, sad, or felt “incomplete,” you weren’t looking for love. You were looking for a distraction. Using a person as a band-aid isn’t the same as loving them.

10. The “Breakup Relief” was real

When the end finally came, did you feel a secret sense of freedom? That deep exhale of “Thank God I don’t have to do that anymore” is your intuition telling you that you’ve finally dropped a weight you were never supposed to carry.

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My friend…

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh shoot, that was me,” don’t beat yourself up. Mistaking intensity for intimacy is a right of passage. It doesn’t mean the time was wasted. It just means you’re now one step closer to the real thing.

Which of these hit home for you?

Do you think it’s possible to grow into love, or does it have to be there from the start?

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